I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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