oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
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