Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
