He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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