I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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