Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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