It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
