my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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