I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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