laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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