Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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