I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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