Hey man sorry I got all grabby
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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