good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Boobs are out for the taking
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
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