And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
