We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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