Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
