This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
