He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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