he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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