I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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