I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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