He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
