I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
