did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
