Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
