Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I have post one night stand depression
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