the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
