My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize