We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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