i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
