Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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