i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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