I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
