please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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