I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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