so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
