I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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