i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Alive.
So much puke
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
