Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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