I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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