between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
