ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
