I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
