yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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