I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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