i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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