You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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