Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
