I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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