His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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