JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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