I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
