i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
