hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
