Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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