I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
