This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Houston, we have a blender
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
