he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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